Social Issues, Self-Reflection Issue

Well, another day, another lesson.

I’ve been living in Beijing for over three months now, and it’s forced me to come to grips with some personal and social tendencies.

First up, my personality.  As I’ve mentioned before, I’m very much a perfectionist A-type.  I like plans, schedules, and structure; everything needs to work just so.  Hell, I’m a scientist: my studies assume that the world has order and tries to find it.  The idea of chaos makes me nervous. I need a goal of some kind and a system to achieve it.

As such, simply going with the flow of things, absent any structure or plan, isn’t something I do well.  Unfortunately, many students socialize in precisely this way.  Want to go to a bar?  Let’s leave in ten.  Let’s visit the 圆明园.  Now.  What do we do after?  Whatever.  What’ll we do tomorrow?  We’ll decide tomorrow.  Since I prefer to know what I will do with my day, I find working with this instant-reaction social life frustrating.  More important, I rarely receive these memos, so I don’t know what people are doing.

Another point is that I tend to over-schedule.  Classic example was last night: I visited a coffee shop cum bar, then had to rush to a group dinner.  Naturally, things took longer than expected, so I was a late to the meal.  This is an astonishingly common occurrence in my life.  Why?  Because I do not like sitting around for two hours with nothing to do, so I cram things in.  Also, I hate leaving things half-finished, so once I start a time-killing project (folding laundry, writing this self-reflective post, do homework, etc), I keep at it until the last possible moment.  Ergo, I’m often a couple minutes late, precisely because I’m always doing something.

Another point of my personality: I’m actually rather shy.  Around people, I erect a shell that prevents open, straightforward conversation, and it takes a great deal of time (or a very precise tap) to break that shell.  When confronted with a stranger, I clam up.  Result: I build no connection worth mentioning, and the person becomes remains a stranger.  Safe?  Perhaps.  Alienating?  Probably.  Isolating?  Definitely.

One consequence is that, in a new place, it’s very hard to build friendships.  I’ve been living in Beijing for three months, and I’ve properly met perhaps ten of the twenty-six people here.  Perhaps.  At UChicago, I probably have fewer than ten friends with whom I’m completely comfortable; including all my friends from DC and elsewhere, it’s probably less than twenty.  Most of those links took years, either by interacting with every day (high school) or participating in similar interests (biking, cooking, martial arts).

Another problem: as near as I can tell, shyness and perfectionism are the two principal ingredients in the famed Awkwardness Stew.  Conversations with strangers may be awkward in general, but, as noted before, I raise the drawbridge when faced with awkward.  Unfortunately, the ensuing silence usually makes things worse.  The whole situation starts a vicious cycle, and breaking the cycle isn’t easy.

A result of all of these things, I’m extremely uncomfortable with asking for help, about someone’s plans, or for an invitation.  Doing so requires breaching my shell; it shows vulnerability, and it’s an imposition upon the other person.  Unfortunately, this is how communication happens; someone makes a suggestion, asks a question, and expects a response.  To engage, I need to fundamentally alter this tendency, but in a sense, that requires changing everything that I am.

Fortunately, all these problems have solutions.  The fundamental change needed is to learn how to talk to another person.  Now, believe it or not, I’m really bad at this.  I know nothing about the standard topics of conversation (music, sports, TV, movies) and entirely too much scientific and trivia stuff.  Second, my brain runs at about two-thirds normal speeds; talking takes a while at the best of times.  And, of course, there’s the general awkwardness derived from perfectionism and shyness.  After exhausting the obvious questions, I often run out of ideas of what to say or do.

Second shift: I need to learn to relax and let the time slip by.  Maybe I’ll have half an hour, an hour in which I just don’t do very much.  Not necessarily a bad thing.  Hell, without a lot of time with little to do, I wouldn’t have thought about this post.  Not doing something may be against my preferences, but it’s also a chance for self-reflection, introspection, and good old-fashioned relaxation.

Final point: I need to lose a lot of prejudices against standard socialization techniques.  I’ve never participated in the drinking scene at college.  The two main reasons for this are as follows: I am shy, and I’ve heard stories of parties gone bad (or just bad all around).  The grungy, dingy frat with cheap liquor and people throwing up disgusts David (at least the sober David), as do frightening stories I’ve heard of high school parties (anyone ever drink a fifth of Captain Morgan’s at once?).  My preferred social events are a nice meal, a walk in the park, a bike ride.  These can all be social events; in fact, I would argue that meals should be a social event, rather than a quick intake of calories.  It’s incredibly depressing to eat by yourself, and incredibly relaxing to eat with a good friend (or friends).

Unfortunately, these are not the standard social events for college students.  Food is food, and the point is to fill your stomach at the lowest cost that’s still enjoyable (with a few exceptions).  Exercise is seldom social (or even enjoyable).  Social events are “hanging out,” whether in a study space, in a room, or in a bar.  The bar is the social event for the week; there’s very much a sense that liquor is the best way to let people express themselves.

I’ve missed the standard social scene because of my bias against bad parties.  The catch is that the bad party is bad because it’s the exception rather than the rule.  Of the few events I’ve attended, most have been fun.  This was, no doubt, partly a result of the alcohol; sober David would have been far more reserved and had far less fun.  Also, getting home before 3:00 in the morning helps—after 1:30, my energy crashes (I like rising before noon).  But, the sense that I could simply relax, talk, dance, whatever, with a group of…not quite friends…was fun.  I understand the appeal much better now.

Overall, Beijing has been a great experience.  I’ve seen a great deal, eaten a good amount, learned the city layout, and forged some links.  I’ve spent less time on schoolwork than ever before, hung out at local coffee shops and bars, seen a lot of fake goods (bought very few of them, though), and dipped my toes in the market.  But I think that the most important lesson has been how to socialize, indeed the need to socialize.  Acting alone gives freedom, but loneliness is a potent depressant.  I’ve had face some antisocial and, perhaps, elitist tendencies.  It may be too late to repair the damage on this program, but it’s almost a new year, and with a new year comes a clean slate.